2006 Some observations about Halloween and 'disguise'

I was recruited to play bass at a Unitarian church service on Halloween morning, and I was going to be playing alongside two fulltime women.  So I was dressed as Anita the Red Cross nurse at 8:30 in the morning, going to get my coffee at the local chain, Peet's.

I was expecting people to be amused--it's Halloween, right?  But they weren't.  At least three people looked at me, and then immediately looked away, as you do when someone is making a social blunder.  It didn't bother me, but I was certainly puzzled. I don't get that reaction when I'm out as a woman on a normal day, and I wouldn't have gotten that reaction the night before, party Saturday, when everyone's dressed.  But I guess it made people uneasy to see someone in costume that early in the morning--it didn't seem appropriate to them.

It showed me once again, how narrow our allowance of other identities really is. We allow very small windows for people to be someone else.  Then we slam them, hard.

I've said it before: a crossdresser breaks two social rules, not just one.  We go out as women, but we also go out ‘disguised.’  (In other people’s opinion—not mine.)  Even before terrorism, it was not cool to ever go out in the U.S. in a disguise, of any kind. I can't go out dressed as a "someone else" of my own gender, either. I can't put on a fireman's outfit, or a doctor's surgical gown, or a military uniform. Oh, I could, but if I were challenged, the consequences would probably be severe. As a society, we believe that anyone pretending to be someone else has to be doing so for criminal purposes. We don't trust adult play.

But as part-time gals, our "disguise" is so outrageous that we get away with breaking this rule. The person living in two genders does have to put up with more talk about being deceptive; people have a hard time understanding why anyone would want to live this way.  I get the feeling that they understand the fulltime transitioned woman better than they do me.  She was born in the wrong body, and she becomes a woman to correct the mistake.  That can make sense to the general public, if they think about it.  But what’s my reason for being a version of a woman?  

Later in the day, of course, people did smile and nod.

The more years I spend doing this, the more I suspect that 99.9% of the guys dressed as women at Halloween are my sisters!  I just don't see the exaggerated soccer ball breasts and mop-head wigs that the non-CD guy is supposed to wear, to show that he's only doing it in fun.  I seldom see any guys dressed as women at all!  It's not a "costume" that the regular guy wants to deal with. 

I still had my nurse's outfit on, and I did make a nice-looking nurse, I think.  A little boy, about 6-7, came up, and said, "You're a man, aren't you?"  He said it in a kind of wonder.

I smiled and said, "Yes, I'm a man."

He then said like he was thinking out loud, "But you're pretending to be a girl."

"That's right. I'm a nurse, just today."

His sister said, "You look like a baby doctor."

"Maybe I'm a baby nurse."

The little boy and I exchanged a few more words about going out trick or treating.  Then he smiled a little and waved good-bye, and he went back to his mother.  I felt like he now knows that some day he might be able to do what I'm doing.  I trust that it gave him some hope, too.

And the service went well, by the way.  I did my first-ever vocal of "Don't Fear the Reaper," by Blue Oyster Cult.  With songs like that at service, the Unitarians are certainly not the traditional church of my childhood, and they're transgender friendly to boot.  Quite a package. I don't see myself as part of organized religion anytime soon, but it's great to know people like the Unitarians.